It's been a summer of changes in our house, Reader.

Most have been unfolding for awhile. Like, my stepsons' deepening man-voices. And their growing appetites for freedom...

And food, my God, the FOOD we go through in this house! As the oldest of 3 girls, I always suspected the whole *teen boys eating everything in sight* stereotype was kinda overblown.

But, these days, it's not unusual to hear the words "second breakfast" or lock eyes with my husband across the table, awestruck and a smidge afraid, as a platter of ribs evaporates into thin air.

(Just now, as I'm typing this, my 17 yr old stepson is circling the pantry like a shark, fresh remnants of second-breakfast-Chipotle on his hoodie. It's 11am.)

We had a milestone change, as well: Our first high school graduation.

I remember the day my older stepson came home from Kindergarten sporting a Class of '25 t-shirt.

It both teleported me back in time to my own graduation (Class of 2000, baby) and seemed preposterous: This little nugget of a person will reach young adulthood one day?!

So, this May, when our family's allotment of grad ceremony tickets arrived, it was all a bit surreal.

And then my mind snapped back to attention, posing the same question I've been asking myself since those first soccer games and school plays 13 years ago:

"Should I stay or should I go?"

Me, I'm Team Ask-the-Stepkid.

As much as I might want to be there (or feel I DESERVE to be there, damn it!) for the boys' events, big and small... it's ultimately *their* event.

Which is why, more than a decade into what I'd consider deep and genuine relationships with each of my stepkids, I still always ask what they want. As in, I initiate a literal conversation about it, in advance.

With a new school year upon us, I know you might be wrestling with the same question as you stare down a calendar of potential (public) commitments.

High-conflict histories and other complex stepfam dynamics give us much to consider. (Thoughts and prayers if you're in the thick of that right now.)

But, before you deal with any of those external factors, there's one mental skill you've got to master...

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💡 Stepmom SKILL: Redefine what it means to show up

When you feel stuck in all-or-nothing thinking (e.g., the only way to “show up” for your stepkids is to be physically present), you miss the bountiful charcuterie board of ways you can support them.

Showing up might mean sending an encouraging text, making separate plans to hang outside the event itself, or simply cheering them on in spirit. It's all about respecting their comfort...and your own.

By practicing flexible thinking, you open up more than one path forward. We hear it from grown stepkids all the time:

Often, it’s the small, consistent gestures that leave the biggest imprint.

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Ready to put this into practice?

📝 Here's a SCRIPT to guide your pre-event check-in with your stepkids:

“Hey [stepchild’s name], your [event] is coming up, and I want to support you in a way that feels good to you. Would you like me to be there, or is there another way I could cheer you on? I'm happy to follow your lead.”

Or a more casual version:

“I’m excited for your [event] and I’d love to support you. Want me to come? Or sit this one out and celebrate with you another time? Either way's good with me!”

Whatever they decide, the key is to be nonreactive and warm. If their choice disappoints you (which totally happens), work those feelings out in private--in your journal, to a trusted friend, or on a coaching call with me.

You've got this, Reader.

XO, Michaela

P.S. I ended up going to his graduation, btw. If you want to know, verbatim, how he responded when I asked: Hit Reply + let me know how you like this new email format (story + skill + script), and I'll write back and tell you! 🍿